On Being Single

Seeing as I have hit an all-time record of non-monogamy, I figured I’d explore the meaning of this plateau. I have not gone more than 3 months at a time since the age of 15.5 without being in a committed relationship. Let me rephrase, since the commitment of a committed relationship. Shit happens and things fall apart in all parts of life. So here I find myself in month 4 for the first time and it’s starting to get the wheels turning. How long can I go? Do I like this or not? Should I be looking? What the hell is looking anyways?

Things started to change after a couple months of enjoying singledom to it’s most, buckwild, do as you please, come and go at will, eat when you’d like… the regular knee jerk reaction to a long term relationship gone bad. 

 

Phase 2 was all about getting a bit more serious if I didn’t want to end up old and alone with cats and TV dinners. Nothing too crazy, just a bit more pointed, sniffing out the good territory which I decided meant no more meaningless sex. BIG MISTAKE.  Way too much pressure to put on yourself all at once. Find a good man who will love, support and stimulate you mentally and physically all while under the influence of sexual depreviation clouding your mind!?! No way! I lasted 3 weeks until I turned into a grumpy bitch, and who the hell wants to date a grumpy bitch? Couple that with a new found addiction to chocolate….uuu…hummm…wonder why?!? LOL and there you have it, the beginnings of sad lonely people. 

And so I turned this ship around. Started to see men as not necessarily the end all be all and enjoy them for what they satisfied at the time. Never void of intelligence and attraction. I realized that for the first time in my life I didn’t need to get attached to someone to fulfill the essential pleasures of life. Scary at first. Have I gone cold? Nahhh, not every person you meet is “the one” but it doesn’t make them any less awesome or worth the time. I call them the bridge people.

Phase 3 is where I find myself now. A holding pattern of love life. Watching romantic comedies, listening to love songs on repeat. Starting to truly miss cuddling and couch time with take-out, bike rides, spontaneous kisses. The things that at first you think you can partially fulfill with friends, bridge people and Berry White. But 1 + 1 does not equal 2 in the game of love. There is the intangible spark missing to meld it all together. But I’m not about to go rushing it now in the 9^th hour after going 28 years without getting knocked up or divorced to some closet dip shit. And so, I keep on truckin’ with an open heart and a constant reminder to keep it void of fear and desperation because I sure ass hell don't want one of those.

“The journey is part of the experience - an expression of the seriousness of one's intent. One doesn't take the A train to Mecca.” ― Anthony Bourdain,